Last night we slept about 10 hours, or about the total we slept in the previous 4 nights combined. On Saturday we started to have a more normal schedule so Melissa was able to rest and eat more regularly. Both of our energies levels are rising quickly from the deep hole we were in before. The extra energy seems to help hold off the grief and anger and to raise the spirits.
The grieving seems to go away a little faster. Anger begins to mix with sadness. Sadness of the loss is beginning to mix with disappointment as we need to rethink and re-imagine the future. In the two weeks before the bad news we were beginning to get real excited about our instant family for the first time, planning for things and beginning to shop and register for things. The disappointment of not seeing two cribs, carseats and a single stroller going to be hard for a while.
How do you answer questions about pregnancy? Do we have twins or just one baby? Learning how to answer questions will take a while.
When we started to smile or laugh again for the first time there was a lot of guilt about feeling happy no matter how brief the moment.
The panic attacks from everything little thing Melissa feels are beginning to go away. We’re slowly, very slowly beginning to feel a little more confident. It’s going to take a few good doctor appointments in a row before we start feeling confident, however we expect to be nervous wrecks before each doctor appointment up until delivery.
This has been a great day. A quiet day. The first day of progress and diminishing worries in a long, long time. A true day of rest.
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4 comments:
Grief is a strange, difficult thing. There's no planning for it. There's no predicting what you'll feel next. There's no real way to manage it except to take it as it comes.
Don't be in a hurry. Don't pay attention to any of the "should"s. Don't be anywhere other than where you are, in this moment, every moment. Your beautiful family is blessed by the memory of Elsa. And Bea will always remember her guardian angel in the womb ... in fact, I bet Elsa will hang around to watch over her for a lifetime.
Melissa, I'm so looking forward to driving down (to Iowa) to visit you when you return. If it feels right, please keep posting. Your choice to include friends and family in your daily physical and emotional journeys is so brave ... and such a gift to us all.
Thinking of you constantly. - KH
Dear Melissa & Matt
Hi Aunt Sue here.
Itis now 10:42 Sunday night. This is late because I'm next door at
Lindas using her computer, and we
had to do an email address which
took awhile. But I want to let you both know that you two Little Bea
[my nickname] and Elsa are in my thougths and prayers.
I think of all of you constantly. I will call you when you come home. Hope your flight is good,and take care.
love all of you and will call you soon
love aunt Sue
Myrtle and Dusty too.
Melissa & Matt,
Thank you for your beautiful blog. Not only is the way you are dealing with this an amazing inspiration, but your eloquence and insight in such a time is remarkable.
I continue to pray for your entire family, and hope peace, comfort, and joy are next for Bea, Elsa, and both of you.
Ruth
Missy and Matt,
You are very much in our thoughts and prayers and we're so saddened by the loss of Elsa. It's heartbreaking to have the loss of such a young life, but Elsa was there to look after her sister and always will be.
You are such inspirational and loving parents. Keep your spirits up and stay strong! We wish the best for peace, love and joy for all of you.
-Renee, Mike & Chloe
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